She Barely Got to Retire

My grandmother’s passing, my own ambition, and the danger of waiting too long to rest.

I’ve been sitting with this article on how American millennials are dying at higher rates than our peers around the world. It hit differently this week.

I’m technically “off,” this week and only because my grandma unexpectedly passed away last Sunday. The grief I felt when I found out is unimaginable but I still worked up until Wednesday. Even after taking PTO I worked Thursday and Friday. I’ve checked my email and messaged the team already today.

This is the second time I’ve taken PTO for more than a day this year, and it’s because of grief. It's only because I quite literally can’t stomach taking meetings and smiling at my coworkers the same week I’m burying one of the best, most fun women I’ve ever known.

Researchers say millennials are dying younger in the US because of overdoses, chronic illness, car crashes, and the stress of economic insecurity. I can’t help but think overwork belongs on that list too, even if it doesn’t show up on a death certificate. Watching the women in my life work for half probably contributed to my work ethic.

My grandma barely took time off when she worked. She barely got to enjoy retirement before her life ended. She was so young and I don’t want that to be my story. Yet here I am, ambitious as ever, telling myself one day I’ll slow down.

Will I, though?

Grandma always said she’d enjoy more when she had time. I catch myself doing the same thing, putting off writing, my podcast, the things I actually love, in the name of some future “soft life.”

Lately, classmates and people I grew up with are passing away early and unexpectedly too. It’s reminding me that as much as I love my work, I can’t keep waiting for some mythical future or goal to rest.

This week is messy because grief always is. I’ll cry, I’ll sit with my family, we’ll probably laugh and have a good time. I’ll also answer emails I shouldn’t.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem so here’s to actually turning OFF when I take my next vacation. Here’s to picking up my hobbies again. Ambition isn’t worth much if I don’t make space for rest while I’m still here.